Jealousy Trigger Warning: These Tourists Have It Good.
If you live in Saint John you’ve seen them, probably everywhere uptown. They’re on big pink buses, crowding the sidewalks, sniffing out the maple syrup products and taking selfies with the John Hooper sculptures — they’re cruise ship passengers.
Although locals trying to weave their way around them in the City Market might complain, the fact is they contribute over $26.5 million to Saint John’s / New Brunswick’s economy annually. The numbers don’t lie, and they aren’t going anywhere. Well, anywhere except Halifax, Bar Harbour, Maine, Boston, New York and other hurricane-free destinations along the New England and Atlantic coasts.
We got the chance to take our own little three-hour tour on board the Regal Princess — Princess Cruise Lines’ flagship operation.
So get on your fanny packs, we’re about to show you how the other half lives.
They have like 30 outdoor pools and there’s NO wind — whut?!
Sun loungers on hardwood decks, cabana rentals, child-free zones (God bless), hot tubs and beautiful blue sky with none of the wind you’d expect in the middle of the harbour thanks to an elaborate system of windbreakers. I guess these people know what they’re doing.
If you’re really makin’ bank, you can enter The Sanctuary — an exclusive area featuring cabanas with TV screens, personal service all day long and no motivation to leave, EVER.
The Enclave Spa is off the balsam fir wood hook.
Going into the steam room you’re met with the perfumed air of scented showers (OMG I’m so done with scent-free water). They also have this whirl pool where it rains and…OMG just watch the video.
You’ll feel like Cinderella in Trump Towers on these OTT staircases.
If only going up and down was always this glamorous.
The Goddamn view.
Now we know what the seagulls are always squawking about — it’s gorgeous up there!
Get your workout on in this arcade-enabled gym.
The bikes and the treadmills are hooked up to your own personal video screen so you feel like you’re running towards something and not away from last night’s seven course meal.
On-hand fitness consultants are ready to provide you with a full-body analysis (don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh) that can help you determine how you should be working out, as well as a foot consultation so you can finally get the right shoes and pretty much anything else you want. Like seriously, I bet they’d run out and do your Christmas shopping if you asked nicely.
Get stirred.
Martini bar, wine bar, champagne bar, wunderbar! The martini bar features over 50 different types of Bond’s favourite drink, and some atmosphere to boot. If vermouth isn’t your thing, head down the grand staircase to the champagne bar below and get bubbly.
Try out your pokerface.
The ship floats around with a little piece of Las Vegas in its heart. Slot machines, table games, money and risk. Bring some plastic, yo — the odds aren’t any better better on the high seas.
Boost your body’s cream-factor.
Fettucine Alfredo in a parmesan bowl, milk chocolate soufflé with hot custard, a gelato shop, and that’s just the tip of this creamy white iceberg. With six restaurants and a host of cafés and specialty shops including a patisserie, you can really get in touch with your dairy chi.
Like you needed another reason to resent them!
So if all this has turned you greener than a cruise ship’s astroturf (‘cuz there ain’t much else about them that’s green!) you can always try to join them — Lord knows you’re not gonna beat them. Inside cabins on the Regal Princess New England and Canada cruise start at around $1600.
Or, you know, you can catch a bus to Halifax for about $80, but you’re responsible for bringing your own snacks.