Five Guys, The Simpsons, and a Possibly Stolen Diet Coke
Derek Montague is Huddle’s unofficial burger expert, and our reporter in Halifax. Look for more Halifax food reviews from Derek in the future.
They say no publicity is bad publicity. In the age of the internet and social media, this old proverb has never been more true: it’s much easier to go viral for something negative than for something positive.
Controversy gets attention. Budweiser has got a ton of free advertising from American conservatives over a new can that promotes gender inclusivity. The last time everyone was talking about Gillette razor blades was in 2019 when the company received both praise and ire for its ads tackling toxic masculinity.
With all the good companies do in the world, it can seem unfair. Donate a large sum of money? That might get you a picture in the local paper holding a giant novelty cheque. Create an initiative to protect the environment or curb carbon emissions? You will get a few thumbs up from the crowd. But to go viral, you will likely have to irk at least a portion of the masses.
Then there is the unique case of Five Guys — the American Burger most notorious for being expensive. All in all, it’s not the worst reason in the world to go viral. It’s not like they’re at the center of a contentious social issue.
Best of all for Five Guys, they have become meme-worthy. In the age of social media, this is advertising gold.
I am a huge fan of golden-era Simpsons episodes. Naturally, I follow several Facebook groups dedicated to Simpsons references (yes this makes me sound like an incredible nerd, I know). For this reason, I learned about Five Guys long before I ever stepped foot inside one.
If you look up any Five Guys memes, they are all the same: Five Guys is comically expensive.
Last week, I was walking to the Halifax Convention Centre. I, stupidly, skipped breakfast that day and was on an empty stomach. I peered around at the many great restaurants that line Argyle Street, planning which spot I would stop into for a quick bite.
And then, there it was: Five Guys. It was like a burger beacon. I had totally forgotten there was a Halifax location. I knew I had to go inside.
I tried to convince myself I would only go in to look at the prices. To see if it’s as expensive as people say it is, then leave and go to a simple café. Oh, how foolish I was. It was inevitable that I’d have to try it. This is the power of internet-era marketing.
I was a bit disappointed when I first looked at the burger prices. They didn’t seem as high as all the hype. Now, obviously, I knew the memes were exaggerated. I wasn’t expecting to pay $90 or $50 for a simple cheeseburger. But before taxes, a cheeseburger was under $10- a bit pricey, but nothing outlandish compared to other fast food burger joints.
I am a red-blooded citizen of the western world, so when I order a burger, I always get fries and a drink. Who doesn’t? But as I scanned the menu on the wall, I didn’t see prices for combos. Oh well, I thought, I guess they just don’t advertise them.
“I’d like a cheeseburger combo please,” I said to my server.
“We actually don’t do typical combos here, but you can mix and match whatever you want,” the server told me.
Fireworks went off in my head. My jaw dropped to the floor. I nearly went into shock. This was the first burger place I ever visited that didn’t do combos. It all made sense now, all the memes and articles. THIS is why Five Guys is more expensive. You don’t get any added value by getting a burger, fries, and drink in a neat package. You save nothing on each individual item.
If I walked into an A&W, McDonald’s, or Burger King, and was told they no longer did combos, I would walk out. But this was Five Guys of internet fame. I was at the counter. I was committed to seeing this through.
So, I got my burger, large fries, and large drink; after taxes, it was $22. I would call that a bit pricey. But I’m willing to pay a little extra for quality.
I always eat my fries before my burger, and I was quite pleased with this aspect of my order. The fries had a good amount of salt, which I enjoy. And the fries themselves tasted like they came from fresh potatoes.
I shouldn’t have ordered a large fry though. The portion was enormous and I could barely finish half of it. Now, I’m a large man with a large appetite. It is rare that I don’t finish my fries. I even tried giving the rest away to a man next to me, rather than throw them in the garbage, but he too could barely finish his helping.
I was also glad to see that the fountain soda was self-serve. When this happens, I assume you get free refills. No one told me refills were free, but no one stopped me when I got a second diet coke. So I’ll go out on a limb and say refills are free. Either that or I’m a thief confessing my crimes right now.
But now, on to the most important part: the cheeseburger. If a burger joint can’t make a good burger you can throw the extremely large, fresh-cut fries and (presumably) refillable soda out the window.
And yes, a Five Guys burger tastes better than what you will get from a McDonald’s or a Burger King. The meat tastes fresh and tender and juicy. I’m still on the fence about whether it justifies the price. But if you’re willing to pay a few dollars extra for fresh-tasting beef, you will get it here.
Another thing that I really like about the burger is that you build it up, rather than take things off. In most joints, you order a burger that already comes with a bunch of condiments and toppings loaded onto it. Then you must tell your server what to take off. And because people are human, sometimes they leave things on by accident that you hate.
I hate tomato. So much so that every time I order a burger or sandwich I say “no tomato,” regardless of whether or not it actually comes with the topping. If they forget to take it off and I bite into it, my meal is ruined.
At Five Guys, you start with just a simple burger. They have a list of toppings, and you tell them what to add. It’s so simple, yet a brilliant way to ensure an order doesn’t get ruined by something awful-like tomato.
The atmosphere inside Five Guys is also colourful and vibrant. It’s a warm place to sit in and dine. The servers were all young, friendly, and hip. At one point “Intergalactic” by Beastie Boys came on the radio and one worker started rocking out a little and bopping his head. That made me smile a little.
So, is Five Guys more expensive than their fast-food competition? Absolutely. But the food quality, and menu concept, and service is also fantastic. Nonetheless, for some folks the price will be too much and out of their budget, which is a shame. Because everything else about the joint is top-notch.
Huddle publishes commentaries from groups and individuals on important business issues facing the Maritimes. These commentaries do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Huddle. To submit a commentary for consideration, contact our editor, Trevor Nichols: [email protected].