The Secret Life Of The Easter Bunny
I was traversing through the woods while on a social distancing walk. I figured I’d be alone with little disturbance if I went deep into the forest. But I heard a sudden rustling sound near some bushes, and I noticed a poor rabbit caught in someone’s snare.
This rabbit, however, seemed far too large to be any ordinary rabbit. I put two and two together when I saw chocolate balls falling out from the strange clothes he was wearing. This was the Easter Bunny that had been caught!
Now, I’m usually not one to tamper with another man’s traps, but given how close it was to Easter, I figured we wouldn’t have much time to find a replacement Easter Bunny…so I freed him from the snare. In response, the normally elusive and mysterious creature allowed me to interview him for a short time. Below are the answers to my questions.
Where do you reside?
Everywhere and anywhere! Like my old pal Santa Claus, I can be many places at once, but I feel I perform a better service than Old Saint Nick. He refuses to give bad kids presents and keeps an up-to-date list of who is naughty and nice. That’s too much work for me, so I just give chocolate to every Tom, Dick and Harry. You can be a spoiled brat; you’re still getting a solid chocolate bunny and some mini eggs on Sunday.
But when I’m not collecting and delivering treats, I prefer to stay in the woods, where I can’t be bothered or spotted. I’m not a city bunny. I’m a backwoods-bunny; a hillbunny if you will.
What is your favorite song?
Jesus Christ Superstar of course! The entire soundtrack contains all of my favourite songs. Can you think of a better musical that comes on every Easter weekend? Nope, didn’t think so. Now you may be thinking That I also enjoy watching the movie Hop on Easter. But no, no I don’t. I mean, who has ever heard of a rabbit who just wanted to play the drums? That film is the worst portrayal of the life of rabbits since Watership Down – and cute cartoon rabbits get slaughtered in that movie.
So kids, if you are asleep on the eve of Easter and you suddenly hear someone singing “JESSSSSUSSSS CHRISSSSSSST SUUUUUUUUUPERSTAR” don’t be alarmed, it’s just me delivering your chocolate.
The Cha Cha Slide is a close second. That song and dance was more than just a mid-2000s fad, I won’t hear anything to the contrary.
How often do you wash your paws?
What kind of stupid question is that? Oh, wait, you mean because of the COVID-19 thing? Gotcha. I too have heard the pleas of Dr. Strang-love and I have learned to stop worrying – love constant handwashing, or at least moderately tolerate it. So, whenever I’m going about my business in the woods and I see a stream of water, I will splash my paws in the water. I don’t sing Happy Birthday though to time how long I should wash- I prefer, In a Gadda Da Vida. That way you know your paws are really, really, clean.
How are you going to hide eggs and practice physical distance?
Obviously, I have to be quiet while hiding the eggs and whatnot, So I’m not going into the bedrooms while the kids sleep. Under the circumstances that would be just dangerous (and creepy), so I will just hide the stuff in the rest of the house. I promise to make it extra challenging this year as well. You won’t find 25 percent of the chocolate until it melts in the summer.
Will your job be easier with physical distancing or more challenging?
Being an Easter Bunny is always challenging. Everybody wants chocolate, but you don’t get the same fame or appreciation as Santa Claus. It’s also my job to be sneaky and quiet. Santa can at least visit shopping malls and greet his fans before Christmas. Me? I’m hidden year-round until I get caught in the ol’ snare, and I have to convince some trapper that my pelt is worthless, and meat too tough to eat. So far, it’s worked. So, I’ve been practicing social distancing for time immemorial and will continue to do so, virus or no virus.
What precautions are you taking to ensure you don’t get exposed or expose others to a virus?
Well even though I just said I don’t see much of anyone, I still have a family. Have you ever heard the phrase “___ing like rabbits?” Well, that cliché is based in fact. I have 15 siblings, and you can only imagine how many cousins and aunts and uncles, etc., etc. So once I am done my deliveries every year, we are expected to get together and celebrate Easter as one very large family.
This year that has been cancelled and thank God for that! If you think your family gatherings are a bit much, you can’t imagine mine. I’ll be spending Easter day alone with my feet up watching Superstar and some other stuff on Netflix. I keep hearing that there’s a documentary about tigers and murder that I have to watch.
